


Rules Were Made to be Broken

by 64_words



Category: La casa de papel | Money Heist (TV)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, M/M, OOC, aha its just martin being cute, its a list, maybe a little of berlin being jealous, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:42:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25129486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/64_words/pseuds/64_words
Summary: Palermo has a list of rules written by Berlinobviously, he breaks them ALL(inspired by 'rules for palermo (that he is most likely to break)'
Relationships: Berlin | Andrés de Fonollosa/Palermo | Martín Berrote, Mónica Gaztambide & Palermo | Martín Berrote, Rio | Aníbal Cortés/Tokyo | Silene Oliveira
Comments: 14
Kudos: 111





	Rules Were Made to be Broken

**Author's Note:**

  * For [maleclipse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maleclipse/gifts).
  * Inspired by [rules for palermo (that he is most likely to break)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23859940) by [maleclipse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maleclipse/pseuds/maleclipse). 



> Hey guys!  
> I just want to start this by saying that this was *100%* inspired by maleclipse's fic: 'rules for palermo (that he is most likely to break)', which you HAVE to read first (its really amazing)
> 
> i couldnt get ao3 to behave with the numbering, so I'm sorry for the sloppy formatting, hope you enjoy

  1. “But I don’t think that’s very fair, darling…”



“Shut up and read, _carino_.”

“Fine.”

  1. “Ours’s is better though. Also, isn’t printing money just going to cause inflation?”



“Palermo, I’ve explained it a thousand times already-“

“ _Tranquillo_ , _Profesor_ , it’s not like I asked you to.”

“ _Por_ _favor_ , Andres, can you talk to him?”

“ _Querido_ , focus.”

  1. “Listen, Arturito. See this gun? It’s completely loaded. All I have to do is ‘accidentally’ set it off and one of you is dead.”



Screams sounded in the hallway.

“But, lets talk probability. The gun is on my knee right now, but I’ve got the barrel pointing straight at you. what do you thing the odds of your survival if I-“

“Palermo!”

Palermo groaned, turning around to see Berlin glaring at him from the top of the stairs. He plastered on a fake smile.

“ _Si_ , _carino_?”

Berlin glared at him.

“Not. Your. Job.”

  1. “64, 65, 66, 67, 68… 69?”



Palermo frowned as he counted the last hostage. He had counted one more than the 68 the Professor had promised. He eyed the group suspiciously.

“Which one of you snuck in somehow?”

The hostages all looked at each other, confused. Palermo gave them a smiled that resembled that of a shark.

“if someone doesn’t speak up, I’m going to have to…”

He gestured loosely to his gun, eliciting screams.

“PALERMO!”

Berlin stormed in.

“Berlin.”

Palermo fought to keep his voice neutral.

“Why are you pointing your gun at a hostage?”

“we have one too many.”

“did you count the man covered in duct tape on the floor?”

“of course.”

Berlin rolled his eyes, and Palermo resisted the urge to pout.

“he was Arturito’s surgeon. We found a mic on him.”

Palermo grinned sheepishly, turning to the hostages.

“sorry guys.”

  1. “I don’t give a fucking shit. get on the ground.”



Tokyo spluttered.

“I’m counting to 5, bitch. Get on the fucking ground.”

“Is this because of Berlin and I’s little game of Russian Roulette?”

She smirked at Palermo.

“So you have chosen death.”

Palermo cocked his gun and just as he was about to squeeze the trigger, the gun was pulled from his hand.

“Adorable, Palermo, but now really isn’t the time.”

Palermo’s anger faded at Berlin’s voice. He dropped his hands by his side, glaring at Tokyo.

“Next time.”

  1. “Palermo. Moscow’s hit dirt.”



Berlin smiled at him. The smile that Palermo loved so much. He hugged Berlin tight, mumbling into his shoulder,

“You’re the love of my life.”

Berlin’s hand briefly moved over his neck, and Palermo pulled away, slightly wary of what Berlin had written on the list.

  1. “Hey big guy.”



Palermo winked at Helsinki, causing the other to blush and fumble slightly with the large gun he was holding.

“Hey Palermo.”

Just as Palermo was about to respond, he felt an arm curl around his waist. He fought the urge to roll his eyes when Berlin spoke from next to him.

“Helsinki. I need you to go up to the hostages with Oslo and trade with him for a bit.”

Helsinki nodded and left. Once he was out of earshot, Berlin pushed Palermo into the wall.

“What the FUCK was that?”

  1. Palermo watched as Berlin tied Tokyo down. As much as he hated what the bitch had done, he had just seen a sniper pointed at the door from an enclosed area. It would likely hit one of them when the doors opened.



“Berlin. Enough.”

Berlin ignored him.

“Berlin.”

Palermo tried again, still no response.

“ _La concha de tu madre! Andres!”_

At that, Berlin turned around, shock written across his features.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Palermo berated, swiping the duct tape from Berlin and pushing the trolley (and Tokyo) away from the door.

“You’re going to regret that later.”

Was all Berlin said, stomping off in search for someone to yell at.

  1. “ _Carino_ , they all heard you.”



Palermo said, out loud.

“Palermo, please, no more name calling.”

  1. “Yes, your majesty.”



“Palermo, for the love of god-“

  1. Martin locked the door to the bathroom, there were plenty others, so he had about 20 minutes before anyone noticed he was gone, 5 if Andres stopped to go check on him. Martin chuckled lightly, imagining Andres screaming at Tokyo for not stopping him from leaving.



He spun around on the tiled floor, slipping all the way to the other side of the room. Taking a running start, he slide to the far corner, crashing into the wall. He heard running footsteps and then someone picking the lock. He grinned at Andres from the floor, who pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Martin... What were you doing?”

“Sliding.”

  1. “Ok, Rio, you go with the female one I don’t like, and then Denver you go with Moscow.”



“Palermo.”

Berlin’s hand over his shoulder squeezed him gently, not enough to hurt, but enough to send a message.

  1. “ALRIGHT THEN. Rio, go with the cougar.”



“Palermo, _por favor_ ”

  1. “Actually, Moscow, you’re going to be needed later. Denver, take the female one I do like.”



He felt a light slap on the back of his head.

“Fine. Take Nairobi.”

  1. “ _Vivo nel presente_ _. Viaggio con la mente. Che mi trascina verso te. Tu sei il mio tormento. Sei come il sole caldo. E adesso brucerò per te_ ”



“PALERMO SHUT UP!”

  1. “Palermo the Professor said that-“



Palermo cut across Denver.

“The Professor is a wanker.”

  1. “Here, hold this, I need to get something.”



Palermo pushed his gun into a hostage’s hands, not sparing them a glance as he ruffled around his pockets, looking for a tissue.

“Palermo look out the hostage has a gun!”

He was tackled by Denver, as Nairobi and Berlin rushed in, alerted by the commotion.

“Get off of me!”

Palermo pushed Denver off him, sitting up, indignation making his eyes burn as he glared at Denver from the ground.

“She was only holding it for me. I needed a fucking tissue.”

He glared at Denver, who plucked the gun from the hostage’s hands, and gave it to Berlin.

  1. He prepared his little concoction. He was sure he could get Arturo to take one, the man was dumber than the bricks his mother had dropped him on as a baby.



“Hey guys!” He smiled at the hostages, amused with their bewildered looks. “Here, Arturo, try this, I made it myself.” He handed one bottle to the man, knowing full well that amount of morphine would kill anyone. Just as Arturo was about to drink it, Berlin walked in.

“ _Dios mio_ Arturo, don’t drink that.” Berlin snatched the bottle away from him, looking into the clear glass bottle. “Morphine? Really?” Palermo grinned right back.

“Death by overdose… just look at him, it’s pretty believable.”

  1. “Denver, please, it’s not that complicated. All I’m saying is that-“



“PLEASE PALERMO NO MORE!”

“ _Cabron_ , it’s just simple mathematics and some physics.”

“Shut up… please… I’m begging you…”

“Palermo, give him a break.”

“I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!”

  1. All of Palermo’s comments to his team mates in the past 5 minutes, brought to you by Berlin:



“ _La concha de tu madre_ , Tokyo” - 12:01

“ _Hijo de puta!”_ – 12:01

“Fuck you, Denver” – 12:02

“ _vete al diablo_ ” – 12:02

“ _Cono_ ” – 12:02

“ _Cabron_ ” – 12:03

“Fuck you to the moon” – 12:03

“ _Joder_ ” – 12:03

“ _Mierda_ ” – 12:04

 _“Puta madre”_ – 12:04

“ _QUE TE FOLLO UN PEZ_!” – 12:05

“Darling, you went over.”

“fuck off Andres.”

“that's 12”

  1. “I’ll make the door close with my mind.”



“Bullshit” Denver laughed, the annoying tone ringing in Palermo’s ears. He smirked tugging on the rope he’d placed on the floor, discretely moving it with the umbrella. The door swung close.

“Holy mother of g-“

“Palermo. Enough.” Palermo rolled his eyes. Of course Berlin would catch him.

  1. “Alright fine. I do have an actual power though.” Nairobi rolled her eyes.



“And what exactly is that?”

“I made Berlin fall in love with me.” Palermo smirked at her, before turning to smile coyly at Berlin.

“You didn’t do shit. You just looked good and were adorable enough.”

  1. “Fuck you.” Palermo scowled, indignation burning up his face, “I’m not adorable.”



“You're even more adorable when you’re angry.” Tokyo and Nairobi burst into laughter at Palermo’s expression. “See? Even they agree.”

“ _La concha de tu madre_ , for the love of god, I’m not ado-“

“Yes you are.”

“No I’m not.”

“Yes you are.”

“No I’-“

“OMG SHUT UP.” Nairobi threw her slipper at Palermo, making Berlin chuckle amusedly.

“Yea, you are.”

  1. “Why is there no milk.” Palermo huffed, closing the cupboard.



“And why exactly do you expect there to be milk in a cupboard?”  
“Because there’s no fridge.”

“Exactly. I don’t know how many times the Professor told you that milk expires.”

“Shut up, Berlin. Milk is good. Even if it’s a little old.”

“Gross. You’ll have time to drink milk, spoilt or not, later. For now, go do something.” Palermo huffed, stomping off to go watch the hostages.

  1. “Helsinki, you’re the love of my life,” Palermo laughed, giving Helsinki a one-armed hug. Helsinki had just shut up Arturo by making him a bomb vest, convincing him that it would explode at the slightest movement.



Helsinki laughed, patting Palermo on the shoulder. Their laughter died down once Berlin entered. He grabbed Palermo by the hood of his overalls and all but dragged him out of the room, sending an icy cold glare at Helsinki. Palermo rolled his eyes. What a possessive asshole.

  1. “See, so you put the –“



Nairobi let out an exasperated sigh.

“Please, Palermo, shut the fuck up.”  
“This is why I’m gay. There are no women involved.” An uproar in the small room ensued.

“Fucking misogynist. In case you haven’t noticed we’re in the middle of a FUCKING HEIST!” Nairobi was pissed. She had enough of Palermo’s talks about sex, and it was driving her crazy how little the other cared.

“Palermo. There’s a reason it’s on the list. Everyone’s tired. Shut up and sleep.” Berlin’s voice sounded from the doorway. Palermo let out an exaggerated sigh.

“Fine. But you guys are missing out.”

  1. “I’m fine, actually.” Nairobi muttered, watching as Palermo perked up again.



“Nope. You have no idea how great Berlin is in bed.”

“PALERMO GO TO SLEEP!” Berlin’s voice sounded from somewhere in the hallway.

  1. Palermo winked at Helsinki.



“Hey big guy.” Helsinki looked at him, confused.

“Uh, hey Palermo.” Palermo smirked.

“Guess what? I brought a cat with me!”

“Is it the one from the monastery?”

“Yea. I’m keeping it in my room. Wanna come see?” Palermo let the question hang in the air, smiling coyly at Helsinki, who was turning almost as red as his jumpsuit.

“Palermo, come here I need you to check this.” Berlin interrupted whatever Helsinki was about to say, startling Palermo by placing a hand on his shoulder. The message it sent was clear.

  1. “Berlin c’mere.” Palermo looked up pleadingly at Berlin, who sighed and sat down beside Palermo.



“What?” Palermo leaned in and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips, before pulling back and giving him a childish grin.

“Nothing.”

  1. Berlin grabbed Palermo’s hand, dragging him into a small room.



“I asked you, what do you want?” Berlin let the question hang in the air, before pushing Palermo up against a wall, kissing him deeply and putting his leg between Palermo’s thighs. Palermo moaned into the kiss, pulling Berlin closer. Palermo slid a hand down, palming Berlin through his jumpsuit.

  1. They both froze as a knock sounded on the door.



“Berlin?” Nairobi’s voice sounded from the other side of the door. “Why is the Professor on the phone screaming about smoke breaks, cameras and hook ups? Also, he wants to speak with Palermo.” They faintly heard Nairobi chuckle.

  1. Palermo fought to keep his face from turning red as he and Berlin opened the door, now fully dressed. Nairobi rose a single eyebrow and looked like she was fighting a fit of giggles. he felt Berlin tug on his hand, pulling him in for a chaste kiss, before turning to look at Nairobi challengingly.



“Tokyo totally owes me $5” Palermo tucked his head into Berlin’s shoulder, trying to keep his blush hidden. He felt a hand run through his hair.

“Nairobi. Go tell the Professor that the message was received, he’ll know what I mean.” Nairobi gave him a smug look and left. Berlin turned to where he knew the camera was and gave it the finger, causing Palermo to chuckle weakly.

  1. “AH-AH-AH-AH” Palermo teased, drawing gasps from the team.



“You sound exactly like him.” Tokyo whispered, feigning fear

“It’s a little scary” Rio laughed.

“I do NOT sound like that.” Denver huffed. Palermo smirked.

“I do NOT sound like that.” He mimicked, making the team laugh and Denver huff.

“Palermo. Stop teasing Denver because you’re bored.”

“It’s a skill.”

“No, it’s annoying.”

  1. “How about Nairobi? She’d be good at melting the gold, and –“



“Palermo, we talked about this. We aren’t recruiting anyone to rob the gold.”

“But-“

“No buts.”

  1. Palermo felt his nap being disturbed by a whack.



“Palermo get up.”

“mhfkfjkld” he mumbled, trying –and failing- to form coherent insults at whoever disturbed his nap.

“Martin. Get. Up.” He felt his face being whacked over and over with a pillow.

“’ndres?”

“Shut up and get up. Come on, why are you even asleep?” Palermo rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

“Did you ever consider that watching people sit in a circle is boring?”

“It’s safe.” Berlin gave him an annoyed look, which Palermo returned.

“Yeah. And boring.”

  1. Palermo loaded the gun, taking aim again. so far, he’d hit the exact center of the circle three times in a row. He pulled the trigger. Another perfect hit.



“PALERMO! What the fuck are you doing?!” Berlin looked from the trembling hostages, to Martin, who was standing, completely focused on his gun and the opposite wall.

“What?” Martin turned and looked at him innocently, “It’s not like I’m hitting anything.” Berlin pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Are you seriously shooting targets?”

“I told you watching the hostages is boring.”

  1. “Helsinki. Tie him up.” Palermo looked to him, a mock scandalised look painted over his features.



“What are you going to do to Arturo? I didn’t think you the type…”

“Palermo walk away.” Berlin tried his best to sound threatening, but the whole mood was ruined with Palermo’s giggles.

“Berlin and Arturo, tied up in a tree-“ Palermo began in a sing-song voice.

“shut up.”

“Aww, it’s ok, I know you only have eyes for me … unless that was what you meant…” Palermo let the sentence trail off smirking at Berlin.

  1. “Oh my fucking god. If you keep doing this, I might actually leave.”



“What? You don’t think I was right?”

“No! What did you think would happen if you punched Arturo!?”

“I-“  
“ _La concha de tu madre,_ Denver.”

  1. “No, Palermo, we can’t.”



“You’re taking HER side?”

“It’s not about sides-“ Palermo snorted.

“Like hell it’s not. You’re just pissed because I kissed Helsinki.”

“You did what?!”

“Oh my god, I’m just going to fucking leave.” Berlin grabbed his arm. “Get off me.” Palermo tried to shrug him off, but Berlin wouldn’t let go.

“Martin.” Andres whispered, voice pleading, “Please don’t go.” Martin sagged.

“Whatever.”

  1. Palermo grabbed his suitcase. Fuck the team. Fuck the Professor. Fuck the plan. Clearly, none of them cared about it. Denver was hiding Monica, Rio and Tokyo were fucking, Nairobi almost killed Berlin, and Moscow was Denver’s fucking father.



“Where are you going?” He turned and looked at Nairobi.

“I’m leaving.” He replied bluntly. Nairobi spluttered.

“What? Are you a traitor? You’re going to turn tail and run to the police the second things don’t go to plan?” Palermo shot her an icy glare.

“You were the one who fucked up the plan. And I’m no traitor. I’ll just tell them that I’ve got a bomb in my suitcase and they’ll shoot.” Palermo kept his voice flat. Nairobi’s eyes widened, and she turned and ran.

“Good.” He thought. She was getting out of the way. He walked down the stairs and approached the door. Just as he was about to press the button that would open it, he heard Berlin’s sharp voice from behind him.

“Palermo, what are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

“It looks like you’re going to have a tea party with the police, all dressed up and taking your muffins.” Berlin retorted, gesturing at Palermo’s suitcase.

“Whether or not my suitcase is filled with muffins is none of your concern.”

“I saw you bake them.”

“Fine. But I’m still leaving.” Palermo watched as Berlin took a few confident steps towards him, stopping only when they were nose-to-nose. Berlin smirked.

“Mmmm, no, you’re not.” Berlin pressed a quick kiss to Palermo’s lips, making him melt into Berlin’s waiting arms.

“Ok… maybe I’m not.”

“Thank god.” Nairobi’s voice came from behind them. She looked at them, smirking, “All I had to do was get your husband.”

  1. “Palermo, you go with Tokyo.”



“What?!”  
“Palermo. Go.”

“But I don’t want to go with her.” Palermo complained.

“Go.”

“But you said we were soulmates.”

“So what do you propose?”

“That I go with you.” Berlin stopped to think of the roof, where the police would be aiming at every single one of their chests.

“Absolutely not. Go.”

  1. “Get off me! Helsinki put me down! I can walk!” Palermo struggled in Helsinki’s hold, clawing at the air and everything around him.



“Palermo stop it. You know I told him to.” Berlin turned and chuckled at Palermo’s outraged expression

“I TRIPPED OVER!”

“and you’ll be carried until I’m sure you’re fine.”

  1. The doors swung open. In his red jumpsuit, Palermo stepped out, the hostages filing out behind him.



“I heard you guys were trying to do something without me.”

“Yea. We were trying to make some fucking breakfast!” Nairobi replied, obviously pissed. Palermo’s features broke out in a wide grin.

“Without me.”

“ _Carino, por favor,_ take the hostages back.” Berlin sighed.

  1. Palermo huffed.



“Fine. So be it.” he stepped back into the swarm of hostages, and disappeared. Within moments, all were gone.

“Is this normal?” Nairobi asked, looking at Berlin. Palermo all but materialized in the doorway.

“Whatever he tells you, just know its his influence.” Then he disappeared again. Nairobi let out a big puff of air through her cheeks, looking to Berlin again.

“I almost pity you.”

“Almost?”

“Well, he has to live with you.”

  1. “EVERYBODY DOWN!” Palermo shouted, as another explosion shook through the building. “DENVER GOD FUCKING DAMN IT WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!” Palermo screamed, now trapped in the elevator with Denver, Rio, and of course, Berlin.



“I-I didn’t-“

“OF COURSE YOU FUCKING WEREN'T THINKING!”

“Palermo-“

“RIO, SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOUR JUST AS MUCH TO BLAME!”

“Martin, _mi corazon, tranquillo_ ”

“… but I’m right…”

  1. “ok, group A, when I say so, you jump. Group B, when group A jumps, you spin. Now, every person from A find a partner from B, and watch my hands.” Palermo turned on the music, watching amusedly as the hostages clumsily spun and leapt, somewhat coordinated.



“What the f-“

“Shut up, Tokyo. This is art.” Palermo continued with his hand gestures, picking up the pace. “You can try, if you want.” Tokyo shrugged.

“Sure.”

“Alright guys, now I want you to listen to _senorita_ Tokyo.” Palermo waved his hand to her, and she mimicked his earlier actions, features breaking out in a grin when the hostages jumped and twirled at her command. She wove her hand crazily, extremely fast one moment (causing much ruffling amongst the hostages), and then excruciatingly slowly (making much of group B fall to the floor). Palermo bounced beside her, switching the tracks and throwing his own party, incorporating the stairs in much of his dancing.

“Huh. This is fun.”

“I know. and watching them sit in a circle is so fucking boring.”

“I’m liking you more and more.”

“Then I must be doing something wrong.” They both chuckled. A sharp voice from behind them made them both freeze.

“Colour me surprised. _Tokyo and Palermo_ … getting along?” Palermo frowned at Berlin’s silky tone.

“Asshole.” He muttered under his breath.

“Yeah.” Tokyo whispered, giggling.

  1. “Might as well keep moral up.” Palermo jumped on top of the table, causing Denver to recoil in shock.



“What the fuck, Palermo?” Palermo lifted up a remote, before pressing a few buttons. Instantly, the whole room was filled with loud music, making Nairobi and Tokyo cheer. Palermo swirled expertly across the table, dancing and carefree.

“Holy shit, how many times have you danced on top of a table, Palermo?” Nairobi laughed, echoed by Tokyo. Palermo laughed along with them.

“Buenos Aires is a very interesting place, _bonita_.” The door swung open. Already knowing who it was, Palermo turned to face the doorway.

“Why is it, that every time I think something’s happening, I find you doing something stupid?” although Berlin’s comment was directed at the whole room, Palermo knew it was for him. He felt an unexpected hurt. He jumped off the table, coming towards Berlin.

“Why is it that every time we” he gestured around the gang, “are having fun, you ruin it?” he left before he could see Berlin’s face.

  1. “ _Hola, Professor.”_ Palermo grinned at the camera he knew was in the corner of the room.



“Palermo.” The Professor’s displeased voice came from the other end.

“No greetings? And just then you were berating the inspector for not using her manners.”

“Good morning Palermo.”

“Morning?”

“It’s 2 am.” Palermo laughed.

“I couldn’t sleep. Thought I should check in on my brother-in-law.”

“SHIT DID ANDRES PROPOSE?” Palermo frowned at the panic in Sergio’s voice. He also thought about how disdainfully Berlin had been treating him recently. He wasn’t sure what he expected, but it still weighed heavy on his heart.

“Do you think Berlin hates me?” the question came out rather quickly.

“I –uh- no…” Palermo started.

“You sound very unsure.”

“Palermo. Let me tell you that as his younger brother, Andres has never yelled at me the same way as when I suggested you not be part of the heist.”

“Still haven’t forgiven you for that.” Palermo sniffed teasingly. Sergio’s words had surprised him. Sure, he knew that Andres had wanted him as part of the heist, but he hadn’t really thought of Andres getting _upset_ at _Sergio_ about _him_.

“You’re welcome.” The Professor grumbled into the receiver.

“If you had let me pack some wine I could’ve drowned my sorrows instead of waking you.”

“Palermo, you’ll be able to drink as much as you want once we’re out, I just need you to keep it together for a few more days.” Palermo chuckled.

“Sure.”

  1. “Martin.” Palermo dropped his sleeping bag, which he’d carried with him to his little chat with the Professor.



“Berlin.” Andres smiled at him, trying to hide the tears in his eyes.

“The phone was for emergencies. Come talk to me?”

  1. Palermo sighed.



“All you ever do is tell me what I’m doing wrong. I feel like a burden. I feel hated.”

“Did Tokyo say something?”

“No. You did. A lot.” Andres made his way towards him, enveloping him in a warm hug.

“I’m sorry, _carino_. I love you.” Palermo sighed contently.

“See? That’s all I want from time-to-time. Otherwise I’ll start to think that you’ve started to hate me.” Andres pulled away, mock frown gracing his featured.

“Now that’s breaking the rules.”

  1. “Helsinki. Commence plan Partners In Crime.” Palermo ordered, ignoring Helsinki’s confused look.



“He means Plan Valencia.” Berlin explained. Helsinki nodded once before leaving.

“Valencia’s a stupid name.” Palermo complained

“Partners in Crime? Really, Martin?”

“It has some uncanny parallels.”

“To us, not to them.”

“Either way, _they’ll never take us alive_.”

“Are you quoting the song?” Palermo ignored him, continuing with the song instead.

“ _We swore that death would do us part_.” Berlin smiled, bringing Palermo closer to him.

“ _They’ll call our crimes a work of art_.”

“ _We’ll live like spoiled royalty._ ” Palermo smiled, no doubt imagining his future with Berlin.

“ _Lovers and partners._ ”

“ _Partners in crime_.”

  1. “Rio. Delete that fucking tape.”



“But-“ Palermo cocked his gun, pointing it straight at Rio.

“Palermo, what are you doing?” Berlin asked from the door. Palermo frowned, not wanting Berlin to know what was on the tape.

“I’m just threatening.”

“That’s not an excuse.”

“I was reviewing the tapes from the security cameras, and I found one of Palermo asleep, and you played with his hair until he woke up.” Rio tried to hide his smile. Berlin looked from Palermo’s flushed expression to Rio.

“And why didn’t you delete it?” Berlin asked, tone icy.

“Because the Professor said we can’t delete any security footage without him knowing.” Berlin cocked his gun.

“Delete the fucking tape.” Palermo looked up at him, and Berlin swore that his expression was worth the (long) talk with Sergio that he was sure would follow.

  1. Palermo hated his red overall. It definitely wasn’t the right colour for him. Everything he had complimented him well, and he had a very general aesthetic. He was either a badass in a leather jacket, or an intimidating suited-up Berlin-double. He did not like the jumpsuit. It looked great on Andres, and if he were into women, he would say that Tokyo and Nairobi wore it well, but he didn’t like its bagginess. He felt like he was moving inside a pillowcase, used to his tighter clothing following his moves seamlessly. Too many times had his large sleeves been caught on door-handles. He sighed in content as he felt his familiar black suit envelop him, holding him securely. He had missed it. He strode out of the bathroom, in a much better mood than before.



“ _Carino_ , is that you?” Berlin’s amused chuckle sounded from behind him. beaming, Martin replied.

“I hate that jumpsuit so much, Andres.”

  1. “And why is that?”



“It doesn’t fit my overall aesthetic.”

“But they’re overalls.”

“ _Carino_ , if you don’t know I have a style, then what do you know about me at all?”

“You’re beginning to sound like me.”

  1. “Berlin? Really Palermo? Of all the people.” Nairobi frowned. “Don’t get me wrong, he’s hot… but like… there are so many more men that would probably treat you better.” Palermo frowned.



“Can you call me gay if I don’t fall for the tall handsome stranger that I met at a bar 13 years ago?”

“Well-“

“and he’s actually a lot nicer than you think. It takes some time for him to get used to you, but once he trusts you he’s a real sweet heart.”

“But-“

“and he’s amazing in bed-“

“please stop.”

“and he’s super considerate.”

“Palermo-“

“like one time I was sick and he made me soup and read to me and-“

“PALERMO!”

“What?”  
“He’s sitting right next to you.” Palermo turned and nearly fell off his chair when he saw Berlin’s unamused expression.

“I mean… he’s terrifying, and he certainly never draws me, or hugs me, or-“

“Palermo, I think he might actually kill you if you keep going.”

  1. “So I put the pre-mix in the bin, because it makes really bad muffins. Sure, the icing is pretty nice, but it doesn’t even go well with the pre-mix muffins. Anyway, that’s why I don’t use the pre-mix muffin packs that my boyfriend buys. I think that he thinks I use them, because he wont stop buying them, but maybe he’s also buying it as a joke. He’s that kind of person.” One of the hostages mumbled their agreement.



“Yeah, the pre-mix is really bad.”

“Especially the red-velvet.” Palermo laughed at the comment.

“Red velvet sucks.” He agreed.

“Anyway, I couldn’t sleep before the heist, so I got up and made some strawberry and vanilla muffins, and they turned out a treat. Honestly, I think I bake better in the night. Or maybe it’s because I was stressed. There were little red swirls in the middle of the muffins, and the icing was great. I made a little extra on the side and added extra flour, so it was more like moulding clay, and I made the muffins into little cats.” He sat up excitedly, “D’you wanna see?” he asked. The hostages all cheered, nodding and excitedly whispering amongst themselves.

“Settle down.” Berlin walked in, unimpressed. “Palermo. Stop making the hostages hungry.” Palermo raised his hands by his side in mock-innocence.

“You’re just trying to hide the fact that you already ate them all.”

  1. “How many tattoos do you have, Helsi?”



“Uhm, I think it was about 17.” Helsinki watched as Palermo’s features lit up in joy.

“Of what?” Helsinki shrugged.

“All sorts of things. They all have a story.”

“How do you fit them all?” Palermo looked him up and down, and Helsinki could almost hear the gears turning in his head. Palermo shook his head. “What about that one.” He pointed at the one on Helsinki’s neck. it was of a chain that turned into a flower.

“Well, I was captured in a battle once, and they kept me as a POW. Inside, they tattooed everyone with the beginning of a chain, to signify that they had been captured. Once I got out, I had a tattooist continue it and-“

“That’s enough. Palermo come with me.” Palermo huffed and stood up, but Helsinki caught the small smile on his lips.

  1. “Oh, Rio, you’re so cuuttte!” Palermo mimicked a high-pitched voice, drawing laughter from the team. Rio sunk in on himself lightly.



“I do NOT say that.” Tokyo complained, cheeks burning red.

“Berlin, let’s play some Russian Roulette.” Denver fell back in his chair.

“I just got flash-backs.” He laughed from the floor.

“Palermo. Enough.” Berlin sighed. “Why do you always do this when it’s my turn to sleep?” he mumbled, leaving the room.

“Keep your hands off him!” Palermo mimicked Tokyo again, bringing the laughter back. he felt a pillow hit the back of his head, and he turned around just in time to see Berlin leaving down the hall.

  1. “Just a little good-luck kiss?” Palermo asked, sweetening his voice. He could just make out Berlin rolling his eyes through the mask.



“I told you once and I’ll tell you again. Not in the mask… it’s just weird.”

  1. Palermo looked to Berlin. He checked behind them quickly. Nobody. He let his hand trail down Berlin’s back, relishing in the way he tensed, and slapped his butt. Berlin jolted and glared at Palermo, who gave him a sly grin.



“What?” he asked innocently.

  1. “Just look at it though.” Palermo pointed from the staircase next to Tokyo.



“I will not.”

“It’s the best ass you’ll ever see.” Tokyo turned to glare at him.

“I have a mirror for that.” Palermo made a show of checking her out.

“Nup. Berlin’s ass is definitely better. Yours just sticks out. His is-“

“Oh my god, Palermo please stop, you’re going to give me nightmares.”

  1. Palermo snuck into the bathroom, closing the door quietly behind him. he did NOT need Helsinki or Berlin or fucking Denver to watch him while he shaved. He was a grown man, he could shave on his own.



“Fucking asshole.” Palermo muttered to himself, getting his shaver ready. He put the blade to his cheek, hesitating slightly. If he cut himself, then Berlin would know he did something. He bit the inside of his cheek.

“Don’t be a fucking idiot and cut yourself then.” He chided himself, bringing the blade down and shaving the stubble. As he tilted his head and brought the blade down again, Berlin burst into the bathroom.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” he shouted, making Palermo start in surprise. He winced as he felt the blade cut into his cheek.

“Fuck you.” he muttered as Berlin rushed to his side, applying antiseptic and a bandage.

  1. “Palermo. Where’s my sleeping bag?” Palermo shrugged.



“Why would I know?” he asked, knowing full well it was stuffed in his bag.

“I can’t find it.” Palermo shifted inside his sleeping bag, unzipping it.

“You can sleep with me, if you want.” Berlin sighed dramatically, laying down beside him and holding Palermo in his arms. Palermo made a noise of content and buried further into his hold, making Berlin chuckle.

“Did you steal it?”

“No.” Palermo muttered, hiding his grinning face in Berlin's shoulder.

“If you wanted me to sleep with you, you could’ve just asked.”

“Hmm. I’ll keep it in mind.”

  1. As Arturo trudged behind the rest of the gang, Palermo followed him in the shadows. He’d had this happen enough to him in Buenos Aires to know what he was doing. He crept up on Arturo and placed a hand over his mouth and eyes, dragging him away before he had a chance to realise what was happening. He began trying to call for help after about 30 seconds of being blind. Palermo slapped him on the back of his head and lifted his hand covering his eyes, putting a finger to his lips and giving Arturo a lopsided grin.



“W-What are you going to do to me?” Arturo asked, blubbering in fear. Palermo threw his head back in laughter.

“We’re just going to have a little fun, but you have to be quiet.” Arturo blanched.

“I-I’m not… I mean, I have a cousin who is, but we don’t really-“ Palermo’s glare made him trail off.

“ _La concha de tu madre,_ Arturito. That’s not what I meant. I’m just going to lock you up in a room, and wait for everyone to find you.” Palermo grinned evilly at Arturo. “Anyway, you’re not my type. Also, neither would anyone remotely related to you. Scumbag.” Palermo pushed Arturo into a room, a little harder than he needed to, mostly because of his assumptions. He narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “I’m going to put sticky tape over your mouth, because there is no way you know how to stay quiet.” He applied a few layers of tape over the former mint manager’s mouth, knowing it would hurt like hell when he ripped it off. He left, locking the door of the room and sauntering back to his post.

The scene he was greeted with was chaos. Tokyo appeared to be having a screaming match with Berlin, while Nairobi and Denver were wildly gesticulating all over the place, clearly at each other’s throats, meanwhile, Helsinki was trying to keep the hostages from running away. Everything fell silent when he stepped in.

“Palermo. Where is Arturo?” Berlin asked, voice stony.

“Why would he know? he was with my hostages!” Nairobi shot at Berlin, clearly pissed. Berlin looked to Palermo again, raising his eyebrows and giving him a look akin to one a mother would give to a misbehaving child.

“Where is he?” Berlin asked again. Palermo smirked.

“You’re just going to have to find out.” Nairobi, Denver and Tokyo all looked disbelievingly to him. “I’ll give you a hint, he’s in an office.”

“There are literally millions of offices in this goddamn hell hole!” Denver swore.

“That’s what makes it fun.” Palermo grinned.

“Palermo. Go get him.” Berlin told him, and Palermo huffed unhappily.

“Fine. But I don’t know why you want him back so much.” He turned and left, hearing the hall erupt with shouts again.

  1. “I would like an abortion pill, please.” Palermo’s eyes widened at the request. He looked at the secretary, Monica, as he’d heard the human-shaped-slime otherwise known as Arturo call her.



“I’ll, uh, I’ll see what I can do.” she gripped her left arm with her right hand, shrinking in on herself slightly. He offered her a soft smile, before gesturing back to the floor. “I’ll get you a pillow or something to sit on, alright?” she nodded quietly and left to go back to her spot on the floor. He gave the notepad to Denver, leaving to find something more comfortable for the poor woman to sit on.

***

When he returned with the pillow, the woman took it gratefully, thanking him. It was his turn to take care of the hostages, so everyone had left. he sat next to Monica, giving her a half-smile and leaning against the wall, closing his eyes.

“Wanna talk about it?” he asked, opening one eye to look at her. Monica shrugged one shoulder.

“I just thought he’d be happy about it.” Palermo sat up, nudging Monica slightly.

“Hey. I bet he’s an asshole. Anyway, you don’t need no man.” Monica chuckled lightly, eyes darting to Arturo. Palermo grimaced slightly. “Hey. Guess I was right.”

“You are. He’s an asshole. He told me that he was unhappy, and that he was sterile.”

“ _Hijo de puta._ I bet he found a way to make it your fault as well?” Monica nodded, frowning again.

“He insulted my fertility.” Palermo shook his head with disgust.

“Hey. It’s alright. Men are assholes anyway. Who needs them? I bet you’d make a great mother.” Monica smiled slightly.

“I always wanted to have kids, a family. I thought I’d finally been getting my wish…” Palermo looked at her, pity and sympathy warming his heart.

“I get it.” he muttered, “but you know what? You’re too good for Arturo. Clearly, the man doesn’t have a lot of loyalty, so he wouldn’t make a great father-“

“He has 3 kids.” Monica said.

“And I’m sure he fucked up raising them. He doesn’t seem like a very caring man. He has a ring, so I suppose he’s married. I pity the woman.” Monica laughed.

“You should see her. She’s so depressed. The only thing she’s ever asked of Arturo is to take her to Australia, and he hasn’t even done that. He has the highest-paying job in this goddamn place, but he couldn’t even set aside some for his wife.” Palermo smiled at her.

“See? You can do way better than him. Why give up on your dream for him? Why give up on a little baby for him? He’s not worth that, or you, or a family that you could give him.” Monica smiled at him, and Palermo could almost call it bright.

“You know, for a thief, you are surprisingly eloquent.” Palermo put a hand over his chest in mock offence.

“You know I have an engineer’s degree, right?”

“Then what the hell are you doing in here?” Palermo laughed quietly at her expression, mixed between bewilderment and humor.

“It’s the thrill, really. Also, my boyfriend’s little brother has been planning this for years. I couldn’t let him down.” Palermo saw understanding light up Monica’s face.

“Your eloquence has nothing to do with your degree, mr thief man. It’s just because you’re gay.” They giggled together, drawing the attention of the other hostages.

“That might just be it.” Palermo noticed that Arturo was looking at them. He gave Monica a loose one-armed hug before standing up and dragging Arturo upstairs. He pushed him into a random office and closed the door behind him, giving Arturo a deathly glare.

“You’re disgusting.” He spat. “How could you do that?” Arturo spluttered, looking around him for an escape. “I’m going to take you back downstairs, and you are going to stay the fuck away from Monica.” Arturo scoffed, suddenly finding bravery.

“What? are you going to fuck her? I’ve already done that, and trust me, it isn’t worth the effort.” Palermo gave Arturo an incredulous look.

 _“Puta madre,_ you really are stupid. Do you really have no sense of self-preservation?” Palermo didn’t wait for a reply as he dragged Arturo back to the hostages, leaving them momentarily to get some rope and tape. He returned, almost surprised to see the hostages still in place. Arturo tried to struggle as Palermo bound him, but ultimately failed. Once Arturo was bound and gagged, Palermo pointed at 4 strong-looking men.

“You, you, you and you. Come here, I need your help.” He explained to them what to hook and where, and by the time he was done, Arturo was hanging upside down from a balcony.

Satisfied, he sat back down next to Monica.

“See? Engineer’s degree.” Monica laughed disbelievingly.

“I guess you just saved my baby’s life.”

“So no abortion pill?” He asked. turning to look at her. She shook her head.

“No need.” Monica smiled. “You know, if you weren’t a criminal and I knew you for some reason, you’d make a great godfather.”

“A wha-“

“Oh my fucking god, Palermo… I left you alone for half an hour.” Berlin’s voice from the entrance to the hall amused Palermo to no end. He heard Arturo trying to struggle against his binds.

“Ummm… he was putting us at risk?” he tried. Berlin pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I can’t with you right now.” He left again, apparently forgetting why he suddenly appeared. Palermo turned to Monica, lopsided grin plastered across his face.

“See? Men are assholes.”

  1. Palermo ducked inside the closet, wondering how long it would take someone to find him. he heard Berlin’s voice in the doorway.



“Palermo. I brought you your clothes. I am going to close this door and give you 5 minutes to get changed. If you don’t, I won’t sleep with you for the rest of the heist.” That, apparently, was enough to convince Palermo to end his little game.

  1. _“I wouldn’t do this.” Palermo said, looking up from the paper. Berlin raised his hands in defense._



_“Sergio actually asked me to write that one down. I think he thought that you would do it in front of the cameras. Just… don’t do it…”_

Palermo chuckled. He definitely wasn’t going to, at the time of the conversation. But he was bored and he could always pretend that he hadn’t known that there was a camera in the room he was ‘changing’ in.

  1. “Tokyo’s a bitch” Berlin looked at him, somewhat annoyed.



“Palermo, not now, please?” Palermo ignored him, turning to face the rest of the team.

“And I bet straight sex sucks.” Outrage. The team blew up, shouting insults and arguments all around. “I mean seriously. I don’t get why everyone thinks it’s so great. especially now, it’s not needed, and-“

“Palermo, you know nothing.” Nairobi shook her head, laughing.

“And it’s not like being gay makes any sense. Especially when your boyfriend is _Berlin_.” At this, Berlin looked up, insulted.

“Hey! I will have you know that I make a great boyfriend.”

“Tell that to your 5 ex-wives.” Tokyo snickered.

“ _La concha de tu madre_ , see guys? Tokyo is the perfect example of why gay sex is so much better. There are no women, hence, no Tokyo.” Palermo narrowly ducked the shoe that Nairobi lobbed at him. The phone started to ring. Berlin picked it up, turning it on speaker. The Professor’s voice crackled through.

“Berlin. Tell Palermo to stop pissing everyone off.” They heard the line close and everyone burst into laughter.

“Berlin. Give me the phone.” Berlin handed Palermo the phone, and the Professor picked up.

“Hey Sergio, have you told any of these people that I was your first kiss?” he asked loudly. Berlin pinched the bridge of his nose, plucking the phone out of Palermo’s hold.

“Sorry, Professor.” He muttered into the receiver before setting it down. He looked amusedly around the table, only to find half the team already on the floor with laughter.

  1. Palermo entered the room without knocking. Because he didn’t knock on every door he opened, damn it. mostly because he was looking for a specific phone. He walked in on Rio and Tokyo, tangled over the desk. Ignoring them, he walked past and to the wall, sticky taping the phone he’d found.



“Fuck. Babe?”

“MMhhh… what?”

“Uhm… Palermo?”

“WHAT?!”

Palermo turned, unimpressed.

“You two should really lock the door or some shit next time, you know?” He rolled his eyes, turning back to the board. “Rio, if you hadn’t been so taken in fucking Tokyo, you would have realised that Arturito had two phones on him.”

“Palermo. Either shut up and join us, or leave.” Tokyo’s drawl left Palermo rigid with disgust and shock.

“Tokyo I swear to god, if you don’t stop being horny, I’m going to call Berlin.”

“What, for a foursome?” Palermo scrunched his face up in disgust.

“No. so he can whoop your ass for fucking a kid on his desk.” With that, Palermo left, feeling disgust at Tokyo’s behavior. Rio, he could excuse, but Tokyo was fucking 15 years older than the kid, she should know better! He pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Heterosexuals” he muttered, leaving the room.

  1. “Denver, can you help?” Moscow asked, lugging in the heavy bags. Palermo tutted at Denver, taking a load off of Moscow’s frail shoulders.



“Denver, you should be nicer to my father.” Palermo smirked amusedly at the face Denver pulled, and Moscow laughed along, knowing that Palermo was only joking.

“Now, now, Palermo. Play nice.” Berlin’s silky tone came from straight behind Palermo, making him jump. Leaning into his ear, Berlin whispered,

“You know I’m the only one takes care of you.” For reasons unbeknownst to him, Palermo shuddered.

How could Berlin make everything sound like an innuendo?

  1. Palermo took the small rusty ginger cat out of the bag he’d hidden it in. holding it securely in his arms, he carried it down to the hostages.



“Hey guys, come meet Madrid.” Palermo decided to keep the city naming tradition, handing the newly named ‘Madrid’ to the hostages. They cooed and petted at the small kitten, who leaned into their touches and purred to their words.

“Palermo. Please tell me that isn’t the same cat from the monastery?” Berlin asked, unimpressed with the bundle now lying back in Palermo’s arms.

“But-“

“Listen, I’m sorry, but he can't stay.”

“But he’s one of us! Look Madrid in the eye and tell him you don’t love him.” Berlin rolled his eyes.

“Martin, please, just let the poor thing out.”

  1. “Move, I’m gay.” Palermo pushed past Denver, who stepped aside in confusion.



“So?” he asked, but his question was lost to the wind.

“Move, I’m gay.” Palermo wove through the hostages, not sparing them a second glance.

“Move, I’m gay.” He walked right through Tokyo and Rio’s intense eye sex.

“Move, I’m gay.” He walked past the group of girls to Nairobi, who looked at him questioningly.

“What?” Palermo shrugged.

“I forgot.”

“Move, I’m gay.” Palermo got up from his sleeping bag, pushing Berlin’s arm off him.

“Why do you think I’m sleeping with you?”

“That’s not the point. You’re just meant to move.”

“Move, I’m gay.” Palermo pushed the door open.

“6 TIMES! PALERMO I CAN FINALLY TELL YOU THAT NOBODY CARES AND THAT WE ALL KNOW!” Berlin and the team cheered and Palermo rolled his eyes.

“Move, I’m gay.” He told them, as he went to grab his coffee.

  1. “You.” Palermo pointed at one boy. “Are now Perth.” The boy frowned. Palermo pointed at a girl “You’re Dublin” He pointed at an old woman, “Milan.” He pointed at the old man Nairobi seemed to like, “Munich.”



“Palermo. Please stop giving them names. You’re going to confuse them.” Berlin sounded amused.

“But it’s fun.”

“And confusing. Stop it.”

  1. “Alright, Professor, Sergio, just calm down. Ask her out to a dinner or something, I don’t know.” a pause. Palermo leaned in, careful not to alert Berlin of his presence and to stay out of the camera’s field of view he could faintly hear Sergio’s voice.



“I don’t know what to do Andres, you’re the one who’s been married 5 times.”

“Well I can’t really do this one, Sergio.” Palermo bit back the urge to laugh. Shooting, forward, he grabbed the phone from Berlin, shouting

“YOU’RE A VIRGIN!” into the receiver and bolting out of the room before Berlin could catch him.

  1. “So the way they figured out how to get the doors to rotate at just the right angle to-“



“Palermo. God, please, stop.”

“I’m just answering your question!”

“You’ve been answering my question for the past hour!” Denver shot back. “I was only kidding anyway!”

“Typical.”

“Wh-?!”

“Palermo. Stop bullying him because you’re bored.” Berlin rolled his eyes, and if Denver hadn’t known Berlin, he would’ve sworn it was fondness that he heard in Berlin’s voice.

  1. Everyone rushed around the Mint, trying to get it ready for the reporter. Palermo lounged on the chair, lightly snoozing. He was woken by Nairobi.



“Why aren’t you doing anything?” she asked. Palermo groaned, putting his arm over his eyes.

“I’m gay.”

  1. Palermo stared intently at one of the men’s figures. Looking to Tokyo, he asked,



“What about that guy?” Tokyo narrowed her eyes.

“Thick and short?” Palermo nodded. He gestured to Arturo

“Frail and weaker than shit.” He looked to Tokyo, who nodded solemnly.

“You two are gross.” They heard Berlin mutter from behind them, echoed by Nairobi. Palermo rolled his eyes, looking to Tokyo.

“This is a life-skill.”

“Agreed.”

  1. “What about Alex? It works for a boy and a girl, and it’s very general. It could be anything from Alexander to Alexis.” Palermo frowned. “What do you think?” he looked to the woman he’d been talking to, who shrugged, bemused.



“ _Carino_.” He heard Berlin whisper from behind him, “How about we save the baby names for some other time, alright?” Palermo felt Berlin run a hand through his hair, “Come help me?” he asked.

“Alright.”

  1. “Andres, _mi vida_ , let’s go.”



“It’s like you’re breaking the rules on purpose.” Berlin smiled, leaning in to kiss Palermo lightly.

  1. “You love it.” Berlin hummed his agreement.



“Still. We had the rules for a reason.”

“Had. Past tense.”

“You’re lucky I love you.” 

**Author's Note:**

> What did you guys think?  
> i hope you liked it, i tried writing everything in character but it's currently 1:30 AM and my brain isnt working...
> 
> love you all, and i would like to say a special thank you to maleclipse, your writing is really good and you were one of the first authors i've ever actively sought out (not in a creepy way... i just mean clicking on the author name... i didnt know how to use ao3 😖😂), and yr one of my writing role-models.
> 
> dont forget to comment your favourite rules!   
> love you guys, stay safe and wear a mask 🥰💕✨🌈😘🤗🥺✌


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